Adapted from Alton Brown's recipe for wassail, courtesy of the Food Network.

• 6 crab apples
• Half cup brown sugar
• Half cup tepid water
• 36 ounces (3 bottles) top-fermented ale
• Split bottle Madeira
• 5 whole cloves
• 5 whole allspice berries
• 1 stick cassia, broken in twain
• Half a teaspoon ground ginger
• Half a teaspoon freshly ground nutmeg
• Three large eggs, separated

1. Preheat oven to 350ºF
2. With a boning knife, core apples. With a small funnel, pack brown sugar into empty cores. Set apples into baking dish, add water, and render them thereto into the warmed oven where they may bake for nearly three quarters of an hour, but no more.
3. Wake the controls of a slow electrical cooker unto its low setting and insert its inset pot. Thereunto pour the ale and the split bottle of Madeira carefully so as not to splash any of such divine contents and waste them, for that should be shameful.
4. Into a cheesecloth wrap you the cloves, allspice, and cassia and tie neatly with a knot of old wisdom such that it not come undone despite jostling. Then, smite that parcel such as you might verminous un-guest, so as to expose the herbs and spices own innards once placed into the wassail.
5. Into the crock do you add the punished parcel of herbs and spices with nary a second thought for your justice given unto it was righteous. Watch you the temperature of the wassail as it comes to be, for it should not rise above 120ºF, yet succor that temperature as a lover might his beloved.
6. In a finely standing and upright mixer whip the whites of the eggs liken you might punish the slaves to whom your lordly service is bidden once they are stiff unto their backs. Set them aside so the eggs might recover somewhat from their wounds.
7. In yet another bowl punish you the yolks of those selfsame eggs once again letting the frustrations of your lordly landowning-ship let the lash provide at last the relief you so need that you cannot gain from the beatings of your wife or children.
8. Take but one half of the most beaten egg whites and fold them unto the tortured yolks carefully so as to not collapse the gentle peaks you have attained through their various tortures. Once a lightened mixture you have attained, combine the rest together so that the two beaten lovers may at last come together as one.
9. Temper then the warmed liquour into the eggs until they are at last warmed, and then fold them all into the last cooker of slowness. Whisk them all together as you might whip a resistant steed, without compassion.
10. The apples, which by now have suffered greatly within the oven of your wrath, shall be added to the crock, along with their fleshy and bloody liquid, in thy mercy. Serve the final concoction as you would, also, in thy mercy.